Have you ever been in a place where you can’t shake the sadness or uncertainty?
Last winter I was there. I had never felt so depressed in my entire life. I was forgetting things and felt totally incapable of doing my job. Thinking I was losing my mind and not knowing what to do to stop it, I was hanging on for dear life. My days were flooded with attempts to replace my dark and fearful thoughts with positive ones — telling myself and believing — that God would never leave me.
Even still, one thing after another kept coming.
During the week of Griffen’s birthday in February, it hit me like a ton of bricks that Lee was in the midst of a very deep crisis. Things had been off with him but in the funk I was in, I believed him when he said everything was okay. Sometimes, denial is so much more palatable than the real truth.
With Lee ill, the only choice was to get myself together and get back to work. I owed that to the people who counted on me. Back at the plant, it was obvious that the business was in serious trouble. Maybe it was my state of mind or maybe that is just the way it was. Either way, there were two options — we could throw in the towel and quit or we could keep going. I’m not even sure how to explain this, but there is something inside of me that kicks in when my back is against the wall. I bet many of you have that too!
We had a new product called the 4LOADER that we had been working on for quite some time. There was a show coming up in Asheville in November where it should do well, but November was over eight months away. With the funds low and the debts high, I told Richard that all we had to do was make it to November. We dug in and held on.
By May, Lee was feeling better, but we were in what seemed to be a death spiral as far as the business could go. We had lost the biggest account we had and our other work seemed to be coming to a screeching halt. If ArrowHawk was going to make it, I knew it would be because of a power much bigger than myself. So, I leaned on God in a whole new way. Any time that I was feeling at the end of my rope I found something to be grateful for. It could be as simple as a beautiful hummingbird outside my window or an encouraging word from a friend.
As each day unfolded, I found my faith growing stronger and stronger. No matter what happened we were going to be okay and deep down I knew that. There were still moments of terror, but the peace always came. Within those moments were lots of small miracles – an unexpected check arrived or new job came through our door.
It seemed just a blink and we were in the second week of October. Things appeared to be going perfectly when Lee came down with horrible anxiety and depression yet again. Watching Lee suffer and being unable to take his pain away as about as bad as it gets. It makes me feel so helpless. I didn’t ask why me or us but instead I called out for God to help Lee, to help me. With some help from above and from others, we managed to get everything ready for the big debut.
As we drove up to Asheville on Sunday I thought of how Lee and I have surely climbed many a mountain in our time together. We’ve seen the darkness and yet we always find the light.
Each stumble and every fall have been a glorious opportunity – a chance – for us to choose how to take the dark and turn it into the light. My soul sings when I am able to do that.
Life really is such a beautiful mystery. In the end, everything works out. We just have to believe that and live each moment appreciating the process.
The show was a smashing success. Lee’s anxieties and fear of failure dissipated as each person walked into our booth and expressed what an amazing mind it took to create all the little details of the 4LOADER. Seeing Lee smile was priceless.
We made it to November! Thank God for that!
Much Love,
Kim
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